Long time, no post. Surprise! We have kids in our home now :)
Here's a little catch-up: We have been in the adoption process for about 2 years. We have always wanted children, and were both very open to adopting. Back in Summer/Fall 2015, my wife and I were perusing our state's adoption registry site, and came upon a sibling pair who were up for adoption. Immediately, we both felt in our hearts that these are our children, and nothing could change our minds. And here's the kicker: they're teens (well, at the time they were 11 and 13. Now they're 13 and 15). We set to work requesting information about state adoption, and officially started the long process in October 2015.
Over the next couple years, we went through the required courses, the arduous home study process, and hundreds of emails to our case worker. Almost weekly, I would bug our case worker asking about the sibling pair. Sometimes I would get a reply saying to wait for XYZ to be completed, despite the countless deadlines we met with our paperwork and the heart-wrenching waiting game we were forced to play. Heck, on more than one occasion, our case worker would say, "Aren't there any OTHER kids you're interested in? There's so many people asking about those two."
Needless to say, we were frustrated and devastated on a constant basis. Luckily, we had the endless support of family, friends, our cats, and one another to lean on through the difficult times.
Finally, in January 2017, we were assigned a different case worker, who was touted as an adoption queen. Almost immediately, she set to work contacting and visiting us, gathering all the info she could on us, and reached out to the children's case worker herself. Then, in April 2017, we found ourselves sitting at a roundtable discussion with our case worker, their case worker, the regional adoption coordinator, the family therapist, the children's therapist, and their foster dad. Maybe even the janitor, I don't know.
We went in without any high hopes; we figured, "Well, here goes yet ANOTHER fruitless meeting where they tell us we need to jump through a few more flaming hoops." Boy, were we wrong.
Less than an hour later, after we had discussed our concerns, any concerns from the children or any parties present, the regional adoption coordinator looked at us and asked, "So what are you doing next weekend?" Needless to say, we weren't expecting that. Our puzzled faces probably said it all. She clarified, "How about like...3 hours with the children to take them to lunch or something?" We wholeheartedly agreed to clear our schedules and make time for that.
The next question floored us even more. "What about the next weekend for 8 hours; basically the day?" Yes.
"And how about the next weekend? Maybe an overnight Saturday to Sunday?" YES PLEASE!
"Then the next weekend, you get them for the whole weekend: Friday through Sunday." YAAAASSSS QUEEEEEN!
Nothing could have prepared us for the next statement. Keep in mind, this meeting was in late April.
"And then June 1st for the move-in date."
"What?" Was our reply. "Like...they move in to our house?"
"Yep, and then they'll live with you and start school in your area in the fall."
This was a dream come true. We left and called our families weeping tears of joy for this opportunity. It was finally happening. Almost 2 years trying for THESE kids; 2 years of crying happy tears when we saw their pictures; countless replays of their horribly-filmed segment on the weekly adoption plug from a news channel in Atlanta. And now we were finally going to spend time with them.
We spent the next few weeks with them and set about prepping their rooms and getting them pimped in out preparation for the big move-in! We got them cool furniture, found out things they liked and filled their room with anything and everything we could that linked to those things. We were so ready for this...weren't we?
I'll preface this next part by reminding everyone that everything in life has its ups and downs.
Our kids are incredibly smart. Our son, the 14 year-old, is a whiz with technology (sometimes) and loves sharing what he knows (at length). The issue here is that he has the social skills of a wet rock. He doesn't pick up on social cues or societal norms, so oftentimes he acts very rude and condescending when he says something, or tries to correct us on things, or doesn't realize when one of us is upset with him. Naturally, when he corrects us, I'm very quick to remind him we're twice his age and have way more experience with things than he does. My wife has had to point out to him that he sometimes seems to value technology more than connecting with us.
Our daughter, the 13 year-old, is incredibly affectionate and loves doing crafts. However, she has a bad habit of acting entitled at times, usually when we buy her things. Other times, she only acts affectionate or interested in what we are doing when she wants something from us. Our biggest hurdle, and the one that hurts me the most, is that sometimes she gets more excited about her old foster mother than she does about us and her brother.
We understand the situation completely: they were with this family for 5 years and only just recently met us, so it's natural to feel more inclined towards the familiar. However, a few times when she was upset with us, she called them mom and dad and said she wants to go back. I'm pretty sure I avoided her like the plague for a day and a half because it cut me deep.
Our son, on the other hand, was already considering himself part of our family, even from the first visit. He's an awkward turtle and runs like Frankenstein's monster, but he's been devoted to us from the start.
Please understand, our issue isn't with our daughter's connection with her foster parents; we encourage it and understand it. Our issue is when she acts indifferent towards us, but then she brings up her foster mother and acts like that lady's sh!t doesn't stink.
I don't want to trash-talk anyone, but I'm going to: foster parents are paid pretty well by the state to take care of these kids. When we hung out with our kids before the move-in, and during the overnights, we noticed our daughter's shoes were so worn out that they were talking; our son's underoos and socks were too small and had holes; the same can be said for our daughter's clothing; our daughter is 13, and is starting to hit puberty, but only had one or two little girl's halter...bra...things, and no real bras; our son had hand-me-down oversized clothing; the foster home itself had no A/C on at all, with mattresses on the floor for the foster dad/foster mother's parents to nap on; the foster mother apparently slept 16 hours a day and made our daughter rub her feet/shoulders to "show respect;" our son's room was reminiscent of Harry Potter's cupboard, but it was upstairs; and the kids were only ever told to really clean or stay in their rooms a majority of the day and never did anything fun. Let me also say this: our kids' older brother was also in this foster home, generating another source of income for this foster family (who had two kids of their own since having our kids).
Now, please tell me how the foster mother can afford a phone costing around $1000 after taxes, can take trips to Morocco, leave our kids in respite care over their own birthdays, but can't even buy our daughter a real bra or our son underwear that fits. And now tell me how our daughter thinks the sun shines out the foster mother's back side and is indifferent to us most of the time.
Needless to say, we've had our problems. That's not to say it's all yelling all day every day. We have fun, and we love them dearly. Most days, we are all cuddled up on the couch watching funny shows or working on puzzles and teaching them to cook. Heck, I take our son to the gym now and he loves it! We got them both registered in school. We take them exploring and shopping and take them to church with us. In other words: we act like their parents because we are their parents.
The main point of this post wasn't to vent and fuss; that was a nice byproduct, though. The main point is to say that parenting is tough, and we see that. Parenting teens is a whole other beast in itself. Hormones rage, words fly, feelings are hurt, and we are all stubborn and set in our ways. But we are also sarcastic and poke fun at one another and love one another and laugh together.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you have to just press on sometimes. Sure, your kids may be mad now, but later they won't be. If something goes wrong, you sometimes just have to say, "Whoops" and move on. It gets better.
One of the biggest lessons I've learned in this whole process, in my short couple months as a new and sudden parent, is to try not to lose my temper and speak when I'm angry. Even if it takes me a day to get past something hurtful, I have to make time to discuss the problems and my feelings logically with them, and then end it all with many long hugs to let them know I love them so very much. At the end of the day, you're raising the adults they'll be later, not just the children they are now.
